I Don't Know What You Know Me From: Confessions of a Co-Star Read online

  Whenever I begin this rant to my friends, though, I think of Runner’s World. Have you heard of that magazine? I used to have a subscription back when I ran (or had time to run), and I was always inspired by the articles it printed about the people training for races. Sometimes it was for a marathon, sometimes just a 5K, but no matter what, these men and women not only inspired me but reminded me to shut up and stop complaining. I read an article once about a single mother of five (did you catch that? SINGLE MOTHER OF FIVE!) who worked full-time and trained for and ran a marathon!! What the …??!! How did she do that? How did she manage to still feed her offspring? And work? And sleep? And do laundry? And run? She must have a superpower. I think there should be a section of those rag mags called “normal people, they’re better than us!” Because trust me, it’s not as hard to get to work on time if someone is picking you up and driving you there.

  Another celebrity lifestyle question I always had was, how did they travel? I knew they did, because there are photos of their bikini-clad bodies everywhere, and I assume they all don’t fly on private jets, it’s so bad for the environment, and since they all drive Priuses, I know they care. Well, either way, I was right. Traveling is different for celebrities and civilian mega-rich people. Did you know there are people you can hire at airports called greeters? I don’t know how much they cost (I’m sure it’s not cheap), but they have been provided for me a few times in the past. Their whole job is to meet your car when you get dropped off! Before you ever reach the greeter, a town car is hired to pick you up and drive you to or from the airport. Well, most of the time. Sometimes (or maybe it’s just me) you’re driven by a PA, or production assistant. I was once driven from the airport to my hotel by a PA in a pickup truck covered in dog hair and slobber. On that day I realized why professional drivers get hired. I didn’t say anything to production, though. I have dogs and didn’t care that much, but I cannot imagine someone like Sir Ben Kingsley having his suitcase thrown in the cab of that truck and having to make small talk about the particular breed of herding dog whose fleece was everywhere and the constant sinus infections the dog is plagued with in the winter months (turns out it wasn’t all slobber). Anyway, the airport greeter gets your boarding passes for you, walks you through security, gets you settled in the lounge, then, when it’s time to board, walks you to your gate. If you have one of these people, you literally can be sleepwalking through the airport and still get on your flight (I have seen this happen). I had never heard of this magical greeter person until a studio hired one for me. I felt so fancy! The only problem is it’s just like flying first class for work: you get used to it, and then it sucks when you’re back in coach and crammed next to the one person who packed a tuna salad sandwich. Sigh … Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? I think yes, especially if you get free drinks during the love.

  Celebrities are also really great at charity. I didn’t even realize how great until I experienced it firsthand. At the table read for the movie The Wedding Planner, I valeted my car at the hotel where we had the read. When it was over, I realized I didn’t have enough cash in my wallet (it cost almost the same as my rent to valet my car at this hotel), and when I went to the ATM to take out money, I had insufficient funds and couldn’t get any! I panicked. How would I get my car? Should I walk home? Walk to a friend’s house and borrow some money and walk back? Just give up altogether and move back to Chicago? Apparently, I had been cursing at my stupidity out loud because I heard a voice behind me say, “Need to borrow some cash?” Humiliation complete. It was Matthew McConaughey and his longtime friend/​driver. They insisted on giving me cash to get my car out. I was mortified but also relieved because my friend Sean was my emergency contact, and he wasn’t picking up his phone. I was good for it and paid him back on my first day of work. Well, I gave the money to his driver—I was too embarrassed to hand it to Matthew in the hair and makeup trailer in front of everybody.

  Of all the celebrities I’ve peed next to, I’d say I was most nervous peeing next to J.Lo. Heidi Klum didn’t make me nervous, because I didn’t realize it was her until we came out of our stalls at the same time. Debra Messing made me a little nervous, but mostly because the bathroom was really quiet and I was feeling a little gassy that day. Many of the other tandem pees were with celebrities I was working with, so there was usually a lot of talking over the pee and I wasn’t so focused on it. On one indie movie I did, we were all sharing trailers, so everyone used the Andy Gump portable toilets to avoid any weirdness, sounds, odors, and so on. But I remember peeing next to Jennifer Lopez really well. This was a long time ago, she wasn’t even J.Lo yet, and it’s not her pee I remember, but being next to her in a stall on a soundstage while shooting The Wedding Planner and thinking to myself, “I can’t believe I’m peeing next to Jennifer Lopez!!!! This is so cool!!!” We went into the bathroom together, well, at the same time, and I wondered while I squatted if she would wait for me when she was done and take that moment to confess that she was hoping we could become real-life best friends, not just movie best friends. With no one around to listen in, she may have even wanted to tell me a secret or ask me about my beauty routine! She didn’t. She was gone when I came out of my stall. Why should she wait, though? We weren’t friends or anything. I would have waited for her, but only because I feel that in life, if you go to the bathroom with a girl, you should wait for her before leaving unless otherwise agreed upon. Isn’t that girl code? Or am I wrong about that? I guess in most cases girls who go to the ladies’ room together don’t have bodyguards waiting outside the door, so that does change things slightly. Or does it? What’s the girl code for going to the loo in pairs if one of the pairs has a bodyguard and is super famous and they aren’t really friends, just co-workers?

  Speaking of bodyguards … They are cool. And badass. And weird. I have never gotten used to being next to someone who I know has a gun on them, at least not until I married my husband and had to sit next to his ex-wife at the kids’ Little League and soccer games. She’s a sheriff, and if she’s not in uniform, she always has a gun in her purse, because, well, you never know, or so she says. I wonder why the celebrity bodyguards carry them, though. And I wonder if these celebrities I’m peeing next to have stalkers. And if they do, am I in danger too? And if I am in danger, is it worse that J.Lo left me alone to fend for myself post-urination or better? Was she actually protecting me by distancing herself from me physically? (Maybe she does want to be best friends after all! And I am just making this connection now! Oh, J.Lo, did I let you down? Crap!) More likely, she could tell how naturally tough and intimidating I am and that I would be able to fend for myself if things got physical. I’m not from “the” block, but I lived on a block, in a subdivision—that counts, right? Oh, and I have some advice for all you stalkers out there … Stalk someone who doesn’t have a giant bodyguard trained in Native American martial arts Israeli warfare boxing and is carrying a gun. Really, are you that crazy?

  The Ultimate Best Friend

  IN MY EXPERT OPINION (AND I DO THINK I CAN CALL myself an absolute expert here), the ultimate movie best friend was Kit from Pretty Woman. People weren’t that familiar with Laura San Giacomo before that movie came out, but she was funny, cute, sassy, and approachable. She stole our hearts and achieved the ultimate romantic comedy goal of helping us fall head over heels in love with Julia Roberts. Of course Julia would have an amazing best friend who would be so fun and funny, and of course Julia would give her best friend a rolled-up wad of cash so she could get off the streets (or go to the not-free clinic). I mean, duh. That movie made everyone want to become best friends with a hooker, or become one so Richard Gere could sweep them off their feet.

  Here’s my theory: movie studios know that the star of the movie is someone no one can really identify with because we know too much about her—she’s too beautiful, she’s too rich—but once you give that gorgeous A-lister a blue-collar bestie, she suddenly becomes more relatable. Because the real secr
et is that best friend is you! If that actress (what’s her name again?) can be best friends with Julia Roberts/​Jennifer Aniston/​Cameron Diaz/​Jennifer Garner, then so can you! Yes, we all want to be the star, we want to be the girl who gets the guy in the end, but the more realistic scenario is that we could maybe, actually be that person’s best friend. Movie stars have to have best friends too, don’t they? That special someone who will show up with ice cream in the middle of the night, who will slap some sense into them when they are being whiny, who will drop everything to meet them in the ladies’ room of the restaurant where they are on their first date with Paul Rudd to coach them through the lie they told to get asked out in the first place.

  I do have a question for moviemakers, though. How come it seems like girls in romantic comedies only have one friend? And how come it’s always someone they work with? I know it’s easier to condense work and best friend scenes, but really? Everyone just happens to be best friends with their co-workers? If a movie was made about my best friend and the filmmakers just made her partner at work her bestie, I’d be pissed. My best friend didn’t call that co-worker to meet her at Starbucks in the middle of the day when she dropped her son off on the first day of preschool! That co-worker didn’t spend the night in the hospital waiting room during my best friend’s C-section! That co-worker didn’t drive to Vegas so my best friend wouldn’t be alone on my best friend’s thirtieth birthday! Did my co-worker plan my entire wedding, even though she was going through a terrible divorce? NO! Maybe it’s because what our leading lady is doing is so stupid, and something she’s done a million times before, that her real best friends don’t have time for that shit anymore, so she has to rely on fresh co-worker ears for a little sympathy before she makes the real phone calls, the phone calls that are going to hurt because that real best friend is the person who will tell her that she’s being an idiot again. And because she knows she will have to give back the jeans she borrowed, and she’s not ready to give them up just yet.

  I think there needs to be more real best friend movies. I loved Bridesmaids. I believed that Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph were actual best friends. It was a platonic comedy about an actual friendship. It’s a girl-gets-girl movie (but not in a lesbian way). I also loved how the other bridesmaids fulfilled different roles in the life of Annie (Kristen Wiig’s character). I have a few really close friends. If anyone made a movie about me chasing the boy I ultimately ended up with forever, there would be so many different conversations and phone calls with all my best friends, because it’s just not realistic to have only one. You need different things from different people, and I feel like, with my gals (and one guy), I have all the bases covered. I would call Kelly for her fiery no-questions-asked support, Sean for an impartial male opinion, Sarah for a sympathetic ear, Lola for a completely different take on situations and general fabulousness, and Janet for all of the above. Oh, and with the exception of Sean, I can borrow clothes from all of them—that’s key. They like each other but aren’t really friends outside me. There would never be a scene in the Judy Greer movie where we all got together to discuss the dumb thing I just did. I wish that would happen, but real life doesn’t really work like that. Plus, we’re all really busy, some have kids, crazy jobs, Sarah lives in New Jersey, and sometimes you just can’t meet at a moment’s notice at a centrally located sports bar in a fabulous outfit (wait, I’m thinking TV best friends; movie best friends meet in chic mixology lounges).

  One thing I have learned from playing sidekick characters is to be direct and honest. There isn’t a lot of time in an hour and a half to beat around the bush, you don’t want to get edited out, and you’re responsible for a lot of exposition. For example, many of my lines go like this:

  • “You know you do this all the time. Remember Rick last summer?”

  • “But you lost all that weight after Bob dumped you!”

  • “There isn’t any time if we have to be at the important thing by eight!”

  • “Not him! HIM.”

  • “This reminds me of when you shit your pants climbing out of Ted Vadella’s window in seventh grade.” (This is a good one because I’m establishing that she’s a pants-shitter and it foreshadows a possible flare-up later in the film.)

  And so the writing for these BFFs is short and sweet, with jokes peppered in.

  But what does it take to be a real-life best friend? I get asked “What kind of friend are you in real life?” a lot. I always just make something up, but this seemed like a perfect opportunity to find out what my friends had to say about my personal best friendness. First, I’d like to say that it took a while to get the answers back. Because, you see, my friends are busy, so they couldn’t just drop everything and write loving e-mails to me about how awesome I am. Some had to be pushed. One still hasn’t responded (Lola!), but here’s the roundup, in order of response, because that seemed the most fair. And I’m fucking fair, damn it. It begins with my e-mail to them.

  Dear friends,

  A small favor? I am writing a chapter in my book that I think is going to be about being a best friend in the movies and about being a best friend in real life and was wondering, if you had a few minutes, if you could write a few sentences about what I am like as a friend in real life. You don’t have to, and I don’t even know if I’ll use them, but you can say whatever you want, and I promise you won’t hurt my feelings because I am fairly confident that you all love me a lot.

  Thanks,

  Judy

  P.S. You will get no money or writing credit for this, a martini or glass of wine, maybe.

  SARAH. FIRST TO RESPOND. I HAD TO INCLUDE THE BEGINNING BIT BECAUSE I LIKE REAL LIFE THE MOST.

  hi lady.

  sorry it’s taken me a while to get back to you. end of the school year crap is making me crazy!!! and then they captured a bear in our town this morning but before that happened they had to cancel field day and it’s just made the schedule today all crazy.

  anyway, you know what i think of you as a real life best friend? i think you’re awesome. and i think it’s awesome that we can go for a month without talking (not that i like that) and it feels like i just talked to you yesterday. and even when we’re both busy, i know you’d be there for me if i really really needed you. i love that you are honest all the time, and that you sometimes push me to be more honest with myself. i like that we can both be really silly sometimes about stupid shit, like our visionary lipstick, or blind cleaning ladies. i like that we can talk about how good it feels to take a great dump. i like that we both appreciate and understand our needs for expensive shoes and handbags. overall, i think we’re a pretty good match. if you were cast in a movie as my best friend, there would be a lot of sequels, because i don’t ever want to stop being best friends. i don’t have anything mean or critical to say, because i do love you and i think you’re great.

  hope the writing is going well. sorry i was late to the game on this.

  xo, sarah [SHE WAS THE FIRST ONE!]

  SEAN–FIRST E-MAIL EXCHANGE

  On Jun 13, 2013, at 7:03 PM, Judy wrote:

  did you send the thing for my book? i feel like I saw an e-mail from you, but i can’t find it now. if not, no worries … might be losing my mind.

  glad you’re good and happy. miss you though.

  On Jun 13, 2013, at 11:37 AM, Sean Gunn wrote:

  I didn’t yet, but I will definitely do it before I go to bed tonight (so, before 5pm your time).

  Sent from my iPad

  On Jun 14, 2013, at 1:14 PM, Judy wrote:

  (in a whiny voice with british accent) oh i’m sean and i’m in london and i’m in a different time zone than you … wa wa wa…

  On Jun 14, 2013, at 1:26 PM, Sean Gunn wrote:

  Fine, then here’s mine: “I’ve known Judy for 20 years and she’s always been a total fucking bitch. Like, ALWAYS.”

  Sent from my iPad

  SEAN–FOLLOW UP E-MAIL

  Judy and I have been friends for 20 years, and the thing t
hat makes her so easy to be with is the true joy she finds in all aspects of life. If I want to be silly, she’ll joke around with gusto, if I want to be intellectual she’ll talk with gusto about any topic, and if I need a sympathetic ear she’ll patiently listen to my problems and give me the best advice I can get. It’s really that simple. This passion is also what makes her such a superb actress. Oh, and another important thing to know is that she loves giving money and other gifts to strangers. Don’t believe me? Just walk up to her and ask!

  KELLY

  Trying to lay out in words, what it’s like being best friends with Judy is tricky yet terribly simple.

  There is an unconditional love like a sister, so honesty comes easily.

  Honesty from Judy comes a bit TOO easily. She is forthright and a ball buster. She wants you to be the best you can be and will hold you to it. She will call you out on your BS. With that said, she’s a pretty great listener—so be careful what is thrown out there.

  She will laugh hysterically at the most odd moments and stories and sightings. Not caring if anyone else finds it funny, she will laugh to tears (quite often and it’s fun to watch!).

  Being best friends with Judy always lends itself to “out of the ordinary” outings (going to the Golden Globes, hanging out with George Clooney and friends, movie premieres, etc.) but then will be as humdrum and typical (if not slightly boring) as hanging out with her stepkids and (amazingly awesome) husband at their home in the suburbs.

  It’s never a dull moment, even when it is dull …

  It’s pretty darn easy and fulfilling, even when it’s challenging. Kinda what most all relationships should be like …

  Xo

  JANET

  Dear Judy,

  You asked me to write a little something about being friends with you. I’ve been procrastinating, trying to think of the perfect little something to sum it all up, and basically I’ve boiled it down to this.